{"id":2662,"date":"2014-10-07T07:31:15","date_gmt":"2014-10-07T14:31:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/?p=2662"},"modified":"2016-02-16T14:46:51","modified_gmt":"2016-02-16T22:46:51","slug":"october-7-2014-the-last-bit-of-night","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/october-7-2014-the-last-bit-of-night\/","title":{"rendered":"October 7, 2014 &#8211; The last bit of night"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"fcbkbttn_buttons_block\" id=\"fcbkbttn_left\"><div class=\"fcbkbttn_button\">\n                            <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/\" target=\"_blank\">\n                                <img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/plugins\/facebook-button-plugin\/images\/standard-facebook-ico.png\" alt=\"Fb-Button\" \/>\n                            <\/a>\n                        <\/div><div class=\"fcbkbttn_like \"><fb:like href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/october-7-2014-the-last-bit-of-night\/\" action=\"like\" colorscheme=\"light\" layout=\"standard\"  width=\"225px\" size=\"small\"><\/fb:like><\/div><\/div><p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/moonset1.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-2664 size-full\" src=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/moonset1-e1455662138279.jpg\" alt=\"moonset\" width=\"600\" height=\"397\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/moonset1-e1455662138279.jpg 600w, https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/moonset1-e1455662138279-300x199.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Listen to this post:<\/p>\n<audio class=\"wp-audio-shortcode\" id=\"audio-2662-1\" preload=\"none\" style=\"width: 100%;\" controls=\"controls\"><source type=\"audio\/mpeg\" src=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/20141007-Post-1.m4a?_=1\" \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/20141007-Post-1.m4a\">http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/20141007-Post-1.m4a<\/a><\/audio>\n<p>I\u2019ve been waking these days somewhere between 3 and 4am.\u00a0 It seems that all this menopausal body can sleep right now is about 5 or 6 hours.\u00a0 I stay in bed and rest &#8211; not one for getting up to read.\u00a0 I figure that if I\u2019m at least resting my body and enjoying breathing, it\u2019s better than nothing.\u00a0 Thankfully, I don\u2019t toss around, stressing about it anymore.<\/p>\n<p>This morning I was wondering what to share with you today.\u00a0 The stream that floated by contained all these stories of loss \u00a0\u2013 including my own.\u00a0 It was Sunday morning and I was painting and listening to my music and Audrey Assad\u2019s exquisite\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=e5xEYgGr6ms\" target=\"_blank\">\u201cI Shall Not Want\u201d<\/a> came into my ears.\u00a0 I learned about her from<a href=\"http:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/2014\/01\/28\/opinion\/brooks-alone-yet-not-alone.html\" target=\"_blank\"> a post <\/a>written by David Brooks, where he noted that she\u2019s often told by women that they listen to her music while in labor.\u00a0 A wave crashed ashore:\u00a0 grief that I\u2019ll never have that experience, not just childbirth, but holding my own baby\/ies in my arms.\u00a0 It\u2019s always there.\u00a0 I no longer am a shivering ball on the floor, sobbing with the grief. \u00a0I can talk about it without the catch in my throat.\u00a0 Yet, it bubbles up sometimes.<\/p>\n<p>And then the paradox comes to me. I know in my knower, as my friend Joanne Cormier says, that I\u2019d not be doing what I\u2019m doing with my life if the in-vitro fertilization had worked. We\u2019d have a 10-year-old now and I\u2019d be Mom before anything else. I know me. I\u2019d be focused there \u2013 and I\u2019d want to be. I\u2019d not worked so hard to become a mother at 40-something to then park my child in daycare to pursue my dream!\u00a0 But I would not be painting, at least not with much regularity \u2013and I\u2019d for sure not be showing my art or teaching. \u00a0It\u2019s hard enough for me to get myself to sit and paint sometimes now, without a child needing of me!<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">At the end of the fertility treatment road, it was 2004 and I had just left my contract position with Schwab in the city (San Francisco).\u00a0 I jumped into real estate with my mom to do <i>something<\/i> \u2013 but the gnawing wouldn\u2019t leave me.\u00a0 In August I took myself to Rancho la Puerta in Tecate, Mexico for a spa week.\u00a0 I spent the week doing only what I wanted to do \u2013 no sweat-\u2018til-you-bleed workouts, just dance classes, morning hikes, and looking at the sun through my eyelids.\u00a0 I painted \u201cFull Circle.\u201d<a href=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Full-Circle-web.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-2666\" src=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Full-Circle-web-1024x770.jpg\" alt=\"Full Circle web\" width=\"500\" height=\"376\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Full-Circle-web-1024x770.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Full-Circle-web-300x225.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Full-Circle-web-600x451.jpg 600w, https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Full-Circle-web-200x150.jpg 200w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>It came to me that I needed to ask for help.\u00a0 I prayed for the energy and inspiration to adopt (a whole odyssey in itself)\u00a0 or to be given something else that would give my life meaning and purpose.\u00a0 I got the \u201csomething else\u201d \u2013 painting these watercolors \u2013 and now leading others in their painting journeys.<\/p>\n<p>This is just my story. I think if we look, we all have a story of loss \u2013 of grief. \u00a0What lifts me back up is seeing what comes of it.\u00a0 \u00a0Saturday I was hauling the wood chips from the tree trimmings (it&#8217;s amazing now that the tree has been lightened up!) and randomly the thought came to me \u201cwhat if Bill Wilson had not suffered from alcoholism?\u201d\u00a0 Millions of addicted people of all kinds would not have been helped with the 12 steps. Pain can be great fuel for transformation, for fostering connection \u2013 for bringing forth humanity. They say we are at our best when things are at their worst.\u00a0 It\u2019s a pisser that it\u2019s that way, but it <i>is<\/i> that way!<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m pretty certain that none of us escapes it.\u00a0 It\u2019s part of the deal of incarnation. We live a human life, we experience beauty, joy, pleasure, ecstasy even \u2013 <i>and<\/i> we have pain, loss and suffering. The light and the shadow \u2013 it\u2019s all part of the bargain.\u00a0 What I want for me, for you, for the world is to be able to see the light in the darkness.\u00a0 I went out this morning with Bo to get the morning paper. It was still dark and I was ambushed by the beauty of the moon, nearly full, a shred of clouds over it, framed by the neighbor\u2019s redwood trees. We can\u2019t order up this kind of experience. We can just tune ourselves to notice and receive these moments when they happen.\u00a0 My iPhone camera couldn\u2019t capture it, but I wanted to share it anyway. I added a bit of color &#8211; because, well, that&#8217;s what I do.<\/p>\n<p>Wishing you a lovely, lovely day,<\/p>\n<p>Cara<\/p>\n ","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Listen to this post: I\u2019ve been waking these days somewhere between 3 and 4am.\u00a0 It seems that all this menopausal body can sleep right now is about 5 or 6 hours.\u00a0 I stay in bed and rest &#8211; not one for getting up to read.\u00a0 I figure that if I\u2019m at least resting my body [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[29],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2662","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life-stories"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v24.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>October 7, 2014 - The last bit of night - Life in Full Color<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/october-7-2014-the-last-bit-of-night\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"October 7, 2014 - The last bit of night - Life in Full Color\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Listen to this post: I\u2019ve been waking these days somewhere between 3 and 4am.\u00a0 It seems that all this menopausal body can sleep right now is about 5 or 6 hours.\u00a0 I stay in bed and rest &#8211; 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