{"id":2771,"date":"2014-11-25T20:25:49","date_gmt":"2014-11-26T04:25:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/?p=2771"},"modified":"2016-02-16T14:12:56","modified_gmt":"2016-02-16T22:12:56","slug":"november-25-2014-matter-mattering","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/november-25-2014-matter-mattering\/","title":{"rendered":"November 25, 2014 &#8211; The matter of mattering"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"fcbkbttn_buttons_block\" id=\"fcbkbttn_left\"><div class=\"fcbkbttn_button\">\n                            <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/\" target=\"_blank\">\n                                <img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/plugins\/facebook-button-plugin\/images\/standard-facebook-ico.png\" alt=\"Fb-Button\" \/>\n                            <\/a>\n                        <\/div><div class=\"fcbkbttn_like \"><fb:like href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/november-25-2014-matter-mattering\/\" action=\"like\" colorscheme=\"light\" layout=\"standard\"  width=\"225px\" size=\"small\"><\/fb:like><\/div><\/div><p>Listen to this post:<\/p>\n<audio class=\"wp-audio-shortcode\" id=\"audio-2771-1\" preload=\"none\" style=\"width: 100%;\" controls=\"controls\"><source type=\"audio\/mpeg\" src=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/20141125-Post.m4a?_=1\" \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/20141125-Post.m4a\">http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/20141125-Post.m4a<\/a><\/audio>\n<p>When I was in college, I worked summers setting tile &#8211; on kitchen counters, around bathtubs, floors, even the stalls of an office building restroom.\u00a0 My biggest job was laying heavy 12\u201dx12\u201d pavers on the floors of a home in Paradise Cay in Tiburon.\u00a0 It took many days to work my way from the family room, down a hallway, into the breakfast room, around a kitchen island and back to the family room.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t until I met back up with the tiles I\u2019d set at the start, and found that my layout worked &#8211; the grout lines actually lined up in both directions!\u00a0 I was brave in the undertaking \u2013 and lucky! If the grout lines had been off, it would have been a huge problem! \u00a0As a tile setter I learned to work with a water-cooled tile saw.\u00a0 It was fun to run my finger right on the blade, showing off how it wouldn\u2019t cut skin. It was also fun doing something that is done by mostly guys. \u00a0Oh, how far I have come!<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/backsplash.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-2772 aligncenter\" src=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/backsplash.jpg\" alt=\"backsplash\" width=\"600\" height=\"440\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/backsplash.jpg 600w, https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/backsplash-300x220.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/backsplash-200x146.jpg 200w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Though I cannot imagine ever being able to work that physically hard again (the boxes of the pavers I lifted and carried were 75 lbs each!), it is useful to know how to work a tile saw.\u00a0 Today I used my (contractor) brother Joe\u2019s tile saw to cut a few tiles for our kitchen backsplash where we took out a microwave and put in an exhaust hood. Here they are ready to be grouted tomorrow. \u00a0I also cut the broken handles off a whole bunch of mugs that were damaged in the first shipment. \u00a0It\u2019s so hard to toss things that could be useful &#8211; Mom and I thought they might make good pencil holders to give away. After I was done, I realized that I really, really should have been using ear plugs \u2013 the saw has a sharp, grinding sound and my ears were ringing.\u00a0 At least I <em>did<\/em> think to put on a pair of sunglasses to protect my eyes!\u00a0 When I was 19 and 20, I never protected\u00a0either!<\/p>\n<p>Taking good care of myself \u2013 physical and otherwise &#8211; has never been natural or come easily to me. \u00a0It\u2019s always been a struggle to tend to my own needs &#8211; drink enough water, get enough rest, or say \u201cI don\u2019t think so\u201d when I ought to. \u00a0My orientation, my focus is always \u201cout there,\u201d before it is \u201cin here.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s automatic for me to get what you are feeling before I know where I am.\u00a0 What this means is that my feelings can get really big before I notice them. Having the capacity to intuit others\u2019 feelings has served me \u2013 it allows me to provide a special kind of attention. But, unless I care for <em>me<\/em>, it\u2019s not sustainable and eventually, I can get pretty ugly when I go on tilt.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s a connection here to the quest I\u2019ve been on for what seems like forever &#8211; to grow and understand myself.\u00a0 I\u2019m looking to either transcend this way of being, or find a way to be at peace with it (most likely a combination of both). In this quest, I\u2019ve come back over and over to my deepest, darkest shadow belief:\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t matter.\u201d\u00a0 Today, in my current circumstances, I <em>so know<\/em> I matter.\u00a0 I matter tremendously \u2013 not just to those who love me, but I matter to me. \u00a0And yet &#8211; that belief persists largely unconsciously.\u00a0 It is at the root of how hard it is to care for myself.<\/p>\n<p>Lately I\u2019ve been living in the question, \u201cwhat would it take to live my life, make choices, with the deep belief, \u201cI matter\u201d? \u00a0So\u00a0what\u00a0actually\u00a0matters?\u00a0 I am both a physical being living in a body in the manifest world, and I am non-physical &#8211; a spirit, a soul that is eternal, not bound by the start and end of physical life.<\/p>\n<p>This past week, Joe and I had an interaction that led me to an awakening about this idea of my mattering.\u00a0 In part of our conversation, I operated from what felt like my higher self, able to see beyond the circumstances, able to bring an element of spirit to the present moment.\u00a0 And in the next moment, I did just the opposite. I operated from my fear that I didn\u2019t matter, that what I wanted was <em>again<\/em> not going to come to be. It went badly.\u00a0 The contrast in that conversation woke me up.\u00a0 I realized where I\u2019d gone, I found my center again and apologized to him.<\/p>\n<p>Right afterwards, on my walk with Bo, it sifted in:\u00a0 my eternal self is beyond the realm of mattering or not mattering, there\u2019s no not-mattering in the eternal, mattering is implicit.\u00a0 But, as a human being living an earthly life, I matter \u2013 I have very real needs.\u00a0 And, if I don\u2019t tend to those needs, it\u2019s nearly impossible for me to access my eternal self, to be the source of love in the situations I find myself in. \u00a0There\u2019s no more worthwhile way to spend this life than to <em>be love<\/em> as much as I can.\u00a0 As I write this, it seems like a \u201cwell, duh\u201d kind of thing. Nevertheless, the way it sifted in felt fresh and potent.<\/p>\n<p>I am consciously avoiding the temptation to feel like a \u201cwhole new me\u201d about this.\u00a0 And I deeply believe that the shadow (including <em>my<\/em> shadow) is an intrinsic element of manifest life.\u00a0 There\u2019s no ridding ourselves of it. I will have shadow beliefs until \u201cI\u201d am no longer in this body.\u00a0 The tender hope that I live in today, even as I forget to put in ear plugs when running a loud machine, is that the dawning I had a few days ago continues to resonate, ripple, bubble up in my consciousness progressively more. I so want that, if it\u2019s like a muscle being exercised, it strengthens.<\/p>\n<p>I recently heard the words come out of my mouth in support of someone else, \u201cbe gentle with yourself for not being good at taking care of yourself.\u201d I\u2019m directing these words to myself, taking me back to the statement I\u2019ve said in these posts a few weeks running now, \u201cif I <em>could<\/em> take better care of myself, I <em>would<\/em>.\u201d You might say that\u2019s a copout. But it\u2019s a present moment thing. It doesn\u2019t mean there isn\u2019t an opportunity to do better down the path. \u00a0We are here to shine the light of presence, of consciousness into the darkness of the shadow &#8211; without the separating impact of sitting in judgment.\u00a0 That includes <em>me<\/em> to <em>me<\/em>.\u00a0 Work in progress.\u00a0 Human. \u00a0Perfectly imperfect.\u00a0 This is a nice place to rest this week.\u00a0 To feel my gratitude for all that has been bestowed upon me in this life \u2013 light and shadow, as we in the U.S. gather to feast and offer our thanks for our blessings.<\/p>\n<p>I thank you for being who you are to me.<\/p>\n<p>Cara<\/p>\n ","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Listen to this post: When I was in college, I worked summers setting tile &#8211; on kitchen counters, around bathtubs, floors, even the stalls of an office building restroom.\u00a0 My biggest job was laying heavy 12\u201dx12\u201d pavers on the floors of a home in Paradise Cay in Tiburon.\u00a0 It took many days to work my [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[29],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2771","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life-stories"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v24.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>November 25, 2014 - The matter of mattering - Life in Full Color<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/november-25-2014-matter-mattering\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"November 25, 2014 - The matter of mattering - Life in Full Color\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Listen to this post: When I was in college, I worked summers setting tile &#8211; 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