{"id":2826,"date":"2014-12-30T11:13:31","date_gmt":"2014-12-30T19:13:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/?p=2826"},"modified":"2016-02-16T14:07:30","modified_gmt":"2016-02-16T22:07:30","slug":"december-30-2014-edge-exquisite-self-care","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/december-30-2014-edge-exquisite-self-care\/","title":{"rendered":"December 30, 2014 &#8211; My edge &#8211; exquisite softness for myself"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"fcbkbttn_buttons_block\" id=\"fcbkbttn_left\"><div class=\"fcbkbttn_button\">\n                            <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/\" target=\"_blank\">\n                                <img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/plugins\/facebook-button-plugin\/images\/standard-facebook-ico.png\" alt=\"Fb-Button\" \/>\n                            <\/a>\n                        <\/div><div class=\"fcbkbttn_like \"><fb:like href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/december-30-2014-edge-exquisite-self-care\/\" action=\"like\" colorscheme=\"light\" layout=\"standard\"  width=\"225px\" size=\"small\"><\/fb:like><\/div><\/div><p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/peace-rose-crop.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-2827 size-full\" src=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/peace-rose-crop-e1455660425707.jpg\" alt=\"peace rose crop\" width=\"600\" height=\"392\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/peace-rose-crop-e1455660425707.jpg 600w, https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/peace-rose-crop-e1455660425707-300x196.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Listen to this post:<\/p>\n<audio class=\"wp-audio-shortcode\" id=\"audio-2826-1\" preload=\"none\" style=\"width: 100%;\" controls=\"controls\"><source type=\"audio\/mpeg\" src=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/20141230-Post.m4a?_=1\" \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/20141230-Post.m4a\">http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/20141230-Post.m4a<\/a><\/audio>\n<p>In 1998, when the movie \u201cSaving Private Ryan\u201d came out, Joe and I went to see it in the theater.\u00a0 It was getting rave reviews, it was Spielberg, a great cast \u2013 everyone was seeing it, so we did too.\u00a0 About ten minutes into the beach-landing scene I found myself sitting in my seat barely able to breathe.\u00a0 I was so overwhelmed with the horror of what those men had experienced, it impacted my physical body. I had to leave the theater, remind myself where I was and that I was ok.\u00a0 I waited a while, until the loud explosions coming from the theater died down and went back in to join Joe.\u00a0 When it was over, walking out, driving home, we didn\u2019t speak to each other. Not until the next morning were we able to talk about it.\u00a0 Even though it\u2019s an incredible story and film, I was sorry that I put myself through watching it.\u00a0 I vowed to myself to never go see a violent \u00a0movie &#8211; especially a war movie &#8211; again.<\/p>\n<p>I know that war is part of life on earth.\u00a0 Humans are terribly violent and destructive to one another and there must be some value in telling these stories. (Though doing so hasn\u2019t seemed to stop it from happening.)\u00a0 But I lack the filter to keep energy out of my being \u2013 not just my mental and emotional being, but my physical being too.\u00a0 I remember as a teenager passing out in the Kaiser Hospital elevator after having visited my grandma. There was no blood or anything gruesome, she was just in a lot of pain.\u00a0 My psyche couldn\u2019t handle her suffering and away went my consciousness.<\/p>\n<p>Last night I stayed up until 12:30 on the computer, getting all the online store and credit card transactions from this month\u2019s sales entered into QuickBooks.\u00a0 The deposits were a puzzle to figure out, but I really wanted to get it done before year end.\u00a0 I did this knowing that being up that late, looking into an electronic screen (two, actually) with my brain engaged with numbers would impact my sleep.\u00a0 Sure enough, I had a hard time falling asleep and then woke up just three hours later.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got a little head cold, so depriving myself of sleep is <em>so<\/em> not what I needed.<\/p>\n<p>All of this is to say that I\u2019m coming to terms, 53 years into this life, that I am a really sensitive person.\u00a0 Having been raised around a bunch of boys \u2013 my three brothers and all their friends \u2013 I didn\u2019t have much in the way of an example or a reflection for my kind of sensibilities.\u00a0 I climbed trees and did a lot of \u201cboy stuff\u201d not fully knowing how girly I really was inside.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been called a \u201ctrouper\u201d all my life, for my capacity to dig in and work hard, even physically hard \u2013 like that <a href=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/life-stories\/november-25-2014-matter-mattering\/\">tile work<\/a> I did in college.\u00a0 We keep doing what we are praised for \u2013 it\u2019s a well-worn groove.<\/p>\n<p>Becoming an artist and teacher in mid-life has brought to me praise of another sort entirely.\u00a0 I am not just sensitive to violence, pain and working my brain too hard late at night, but also to how beauty is everywhere, how unique and precious each act of creation is, each attempt at making a watercolor painting.\u00a0 I am grateful for my capacity to hold people in a particular way in their process of learning to paint, for my ability to see color, for the instrument that lives in the center of my chest that responds to inspiring visions \u2013 hearing them say \u201cpaint me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tomorrow is the last day of 2014. Though it\u2019s rather arbitrary, the calendar <em>is<\/em> a structure that we live around.\u00a0 As such, we look at endings and beginnings. I\u2019ve been shying away from New Year\u2019s resolutions for several years. I\u2019m so susceptible to the \u201cbright-shiny\u201d-ness of the hope for a \u201cwhole new me.\u201d\u00a0 Though it\u2019s still useful to reflect and envision.\u00a0 Looking back on this year, much of what I was so eager and hopeful for at the start has not come to be.\u00a0 But what I do see is a profound deepening of my understanding and appreciation for who I am and what I\u2019m here to do and offer.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m an artist and I am a teacher\/guide\/companion, particularly to others drawn to make the kind of art I do.\u00a0 And the capacity to hold the possibility of \u00a0transforming their lives as I have mine.\u00a0 These are gifts that are intertwined with my sensitivity. Gifts I did nothing to gain, other than to answer the call from outside me to bring them forth.\u00a0 What I see this morning, is that in order to most fully serve, in the particular way only I can, I can\u2019t live like I did when I set tile, or wrote computer code in the corporate world.\u00a0 I can\u2019t \u201cdo it all\u201d in my little business either.<\/p>\n<p>Life unfolds and reveals us to ourselves and each other in its own time and way.\u00a0 It\u2019s not new that I need to care for myself differently \u2013 I\u2019ve even just shared this with you!\u00a0 But my experience is that it keeps landing more deeply and clearly.\u00a0 I can only go so far, watching myself live in a way that goes against my soul before my choices change.\u00a0 It can be slow, but I stake my life and future on the knowledge that it <em>is<\/em> steady.<\/p>\n<p>Looking into 2015, with a tender heart, I wish for Life in Full Color to expand, to find its way to bring life, light, color, inspiration to other hearts that resonate with it.\u00a0 I wish for whatever is needed in me, for me to understand that Life in Full Color is so much more than me, and that bringing it more fully into being will take much more than me.\u00a0 And I trust that at the end of December 2015, I will look back and see that something has moved and changed and grown.\u00a0 It\u2019s the nature of the universe.<\/p>\n<p>Thank you, once again, for being there in my world, for having drawn this art, this teaching out of me, for giving me my life\u2019s work.\u00a0 Sending you my love and blessings for all <em>you<\/em> wish for in the coming days and months of the new year.<\/p>\n<p>Love,<\/p>\n<p>Cara<\/p>\n ","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Listen to this post: In 1998, when the movie \u201cSaving Private Ryan\u201d came out, Joe and I went to see it in the theater.\u00a0 It was getting rave reviews, it was Spielberg, a great cast \u2013 everyone was seeing it, so we did too.\u00a0 About ten minutes into the beach-landing scene I found myself sitting [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[29],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2826","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life-stories"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v24.2 - 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