{"id":3084,"date":"2015-04-07T10:15:27","date_gmt":"2015-04-07T17:15:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/?p=3084"},"modified":"2016-02-16T13:34:09","modified_gmt":"2016-02-16T21:34:09","slug":"april-7-2015-twenty-seconds-of-insane-courage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/april-7-2015-twenty-seconds-of-insane-courage\/","title":{"rendered":"April 7, 2015 &#8211; Twenty seconds of insane courage"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"fcbkbttn_buttons_block\" id=\"fcbkbttn_left\"><div class=\"fcbkbttn_button\">\n                            <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/\" target=\"_blank\">\n                                <img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/plugins\/facebook-button-plugin\/images\/standard-facebook-ico.png\" alt=\"Fb-Button\" \/>\n                            <\/a>\n                        <\/div><div class=\"fcbkbttn_like \"><fb:like href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/april-7-2015-twenty-seconds-of-insane-courage\/\" action=\"like\" colorscheme=\"light\" layout=\"standard\"  width=\"225px\" size=\"small\"><\/fb:like><\/div><\/div><p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-3087 size-full aligncenter\" src=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/The-bud-stands-for-all-things-e1455658385489.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"538\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/The-bud-stands-for-all-things-e1455658385489.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/The-bud-stands-for-all-things-e1455658385489-300x323.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Listen to this post:<\/p>\n<audio class=\"wp-audio-shortcode\" id=\"audio-3084-1\" preload=\"none\" style=\"width: 100%;\" controls=\"controls\"><source type=\"audio\/mpeg\" src=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/20150407-Post.m4a?_=1\" \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/20150407-Post.m4a\">http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/20150407-Post.m4a<\/a><\/audio>\n<p>Yesterday morning, on the way to my in-laws to take them some Easter dinner leftovers, I was listening to KQED, San Francisco\u2019s NPR radio station.\u00a0 Weekday mornings they broadcast Forum, a locally produced interview\/call-in show. The guests are always interesting, which keeps my curious brain engaged, so I often listen when I\u2019m driving between 9 and 11am. \u00a0Yesterday they had Bay Area-based poet Jane Hirshfield on talking about her two new books.\u00a0 Just as I was getting off the freeway, the host, Michael Krasney, invited callers to share poems that have been transformational to them. One came right to mind and I had this crazy impulse to call in.\u00a0 At a stop light I quickly tapped\u00a0in the number in my cell phone (I know, I know\u2026 but once talking I am hands-free). It rang and was answered! I told the screener the poem I wanted to talk about. He said, great, that I\u2019d be on very soon.\u00a0 Yikes!<\/p>\n<p>Sitting in my car outside my in-law\u2019s house, with my heart pounding, on live radio I shared how Galway Kinnell\u2019s \u201cSaint Francis and the Sow\u201d (above over\u00a0a piece of my painting &#8220;Moonstone Rose&#8221;) had <a href=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/the-bud-stands-for-all-things\/\">transformed my perspective<\/a> on being in a body, especially a female body.\u00a0 Part way through the short interchange I stumbled looking for the right words and wasn\u2019t as articulate as I wanted to be, especially as I was being broadcast to millions of listeners!\u00a0 When I got off the phone, I had this awful feeling, a self-expression hangover. Oh, God, what did I just <em>do<\/em>?!<\/p>\n<p>Last night I made myself listen to <a href=\"http:\/\/www.kqed.org\/a\/forum\/R201504061000\">the recording<\/a> on the Forum website (if you want to hear, start a bit before halfway \u2013 I\u2019m the first caller.) Yes, I stumbled, but I wasn\u2019t as terrible as I\u2019d remembered. I don\u2019t think I made a complete fool of myself. \u00a0And I\u2019m very grateful to Jane Hirshfield. She knew the poem, related to what I was saying and used beautiful words to describe just why the poem is so powerful.<\/p>\n<p>This is actually the <em>third<\/em> time I\u2019ve called into this radio program in the past several years. Once I called in when Anne Lamott was on and <a href=\"http:\/\/www.kqed.org\/a\/forum\/R201305061000\">another time<\/a> when they were talking to a pastor who was part of a group updating the Bible. \u00a0I don\u2019t know what gets into me!<\/p>\n<p>This is so not me \u2013 at least not historically. \u00a0I have a history of crippling stage fright.\u00a0 For at least the first 35 years of my life, I made decisions based upon how to minimize my visibility, sometimes with consequences &#8211; like taking a lower grade. I\u2019d do all I could to avoid the pain of the spotlight. \u00a0This fear carried into my first career in the tech world. I remember one time giving a presentation to a group of customers. \u00a0\u00a0My face turned deep red, was even swollen, I sweated from every pore in my body and the inside of my business suit was soaked.\u00a0 What\u2019s worse is that I went blank \u2013 I know well the feeling of \u201cdeer in the headlights!\u201d\u00a0 My boss, Jim Chen, was in the back of the room watching me flounder. It was <em>just<\/em> excruciating &#8211; and embarrassing to have such a visible reaction to being visible.\u00a0 It seemed completely uncontrollable. I certainly wasn\u2019t <em>choosing<\/em> to have all these awful symptoms!<\/p>\n<p>But there was something in me that sought help with this fear.\u00a0 \u00a0I went to <a href=\"http:\/\/www.speakingcirclesinternational.com\/Programs\/Basic\/Circle.html#.VSPs2PnF-g0\">Speaking Circles<\/a> in my late thirties, early forties. Here I experienced the safety that can be found, in &#8211; of all places \u2013 intimacy, in connecting, in making eye contact for a few seconds with one human being at a time. This allowed my nervous system to start calming down.\u00a0 Around the same time I became a very active member of the Fairfax Community Church, when my beloved Sara Vurek was the pastor. The tradition at the time encouraged lots of participation from the congregation in Sunday services. \u00a0I started by doing readings and then one Memorial Day weekend when Sara was away, I lead a contemplative service to just eight sweet souls.\u00a0 I was so nervous I hardly remembered it afterwards, but was told I did ok.\u00a0 The community was such a safe place for me to stretch and grow; I ended up leading and co-leading services a dozen or more times over the years.\u00a0 The safety provided by Sara and this community was the perfect place to heal my fears of being the center of attention.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve come a long, long way. I am here today in a place that I never dreamed possible from that consuming fear and its so-obvious manifestations!\u00a0 \u00a0Last year at Open Studios, I was asked talk about marketing to a meeting of participating artists.\u00a0 The professional PR person who spoke before me so <em>totally<\/em> covered the tactical part of marketing, I had the thought, <em>oh, crap, now what do <\/em>I<em> say<\/em>?\u00a0 I got up, looked into a few people\u2019s eyes and what came to me was to speak about the deeper experience of marketing our art. \u00a0I was completely unprepared &#8211; and it was fine.\u00a0 <em>And<\/em> I\u2019m guessing <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=wMKt4ssaKXg\">what I said<\/a> was lot more helpful than if I\u2019d talked about postcards and email lists.\u00a0 Fifteen or twenty years ago, I could hardly have said my <em>own name<\/em> without feeling like I wanted to find a hole to hide in.<\/p>\n<p>Someone in my life \u2013 and I can\u2019t remember who, I\u2019m so sorry I can\u2019t give you credit \u2013 told me about the line from the movie \u201cWe Bought a Zoo\u201d when <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=ZmMFIganRQY\">Matt Damon\u2019s character tells his son<\/a>, in talking about a girl, that sometimes all we need is <em>twenty seconds of insane courage<\/em> and something good will happen.\u00a0 The thing is, maybe something bad will happen- that\u2019s the nature of risk.\u00a0 But something <em>will<\/em> happen.<\/p>\n<p>Courage is a muscle and for whatever reason, some people are called to flex it more than others. I wonder what makes this so.\u00a0 Is it environment?\u00a0 Is it motivation?\u00a0 Seems like it could be related to both.\u00a0 It is astonishing to me that I\u2019ve ended up in a life where I find myself flexing my courage muscle.\u00a0 This seemed like the last thing I\u2019d expect of myself in the days when I was so paralyzed by my fears.<\/p>\n<p>Yesterday, I had no conscious motive in calling in to share a piece of myself on live radio. I didn\u2019t even really think about it. I just did it.\u00a0 And by doing so, I scared myself, I felt vulnerable in the aftermath &#8211; and I felt <em>alive.<\/em>\u00a0 A well-known poet engaged with me on a poem that meant something to both of us.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve heard it said that everything we <em>really<\/em> want is just outside our comfort zone.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad it\u2019s <em>just <\/em>outside, not <em>way<\/em> outside &#8211; this way, all we have to think about is those first 20 seconds.<\/p>\n<p>Love,<\/p>\n<p>Cara<\/p>\n ","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Listen to this post: Yesterday morning, on the way to my in-laws to take them some Easter dinner leftovers, I was listening to KQED, San Francisco\u2019s NPR radio station.\u00a0 Weekday mornings they broadcast Forum, a locally produced interview\/call-in show. The guests are always interesting, which keeps my curious brain engaged, so I often listen when [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[29],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3084","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life-stories"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v24.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>April 7, 2015 - Twenty seconds of insane courage - Life in Full Color<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/april-7-2015-twenty-seconds-of-insane-courage\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"April 7, 2015 - Twenty seconds of insane courage - Life in Full Color\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Listen to this post: Yesterday morning, on the way to my in-laws to take them some Easter dinner leftovers, I was listening to KQED, San Francisco\u2019s NPR radio station.\u00a0 Weekday mornings they broadcast Forum, a locally produced interview\/call-in show. The guests are always interesting, which keeps my curious brain engaged, so I often listen when [&hellip;]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/april-7-2015-twenty-seconds-of-insane-courage\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Life in Full Color\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2015-04-07T17:15:27+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2016-02-16T21:34:09+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/The-bud-stands-for-all-things-e1455658385489.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Cara\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Cara\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/april-7-2015-twenty-seconds-of-insane-courage\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/april-7-2015-twenty-seconds-of-insane-courage\/\",\"name\":\"April 7, 2015 - Twenty seconds of insane courage - Life in Full Color\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/april-7-2015-twenty-seconds-of-insane-courage\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/april-7-2015-twenty-seconds-of-insane-courage\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/The-bud-stands-for-all-things-e1455658385489.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2015-04-07T17:15:27+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2016-02-16T21:34:09+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/#\/schema\/person\/d797aedc34742442251ceb8fef7ff393\"},\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/april-7-2015-twenty-seconds-of-insane-courage\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/april-7-2015-twenty-seconds-of-insane-courage\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/april-7-2015-twenty-seconds-of-insane-courage\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/The-bud-stands-for-all-things-e1455658385489.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/The-bud-stands-for-all-things-e1455658385489.jpg\"},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/april-7-2015-twenty-seconds-of-insane-courage\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"April 7, 2015 &#8211; 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