{"id":3322,"date":"2015-07-14T16:19:54","date_gmt":"2015-07-14T23:19:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/?p=3322"},"modified":"2015-11-07T11:08:56","modified_gmt":"2015-11-07T19:08:56","slug":"july-14-2015-starting-with-surrender","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/july-14-2015-starting-with-surrender\/","title":{"rendered":"July 14, 2015 &#8211; Starting with Surrender"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"fcbkbttn_buttons_block\" id=\"fcbkbttn_left\"><div class=\"fcbkbttn_button\">\n                            <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/\" target=\"_blank\">\n                                <img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/plugins\/facebook-button-plugin\/images\/standard-facebook-ico.png\" alt=\"Fb-Button\" \/>\n                            <\/a>\n                        <\/div><div class=\"fcbkbttn_like \"><fb:like href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/july-14-2015-starting-with-surrender\/\" action=\"like\" colorscheme=\"light\" layout=\"standard\"  width=\"225px\" size=\"small\"><\/fb:like><\/div><\/div><p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/photo.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-3323 aligncenter\" src=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/photo-1019x1024.jpg\" alt=\"photo\" width=\"521\" height=\"524\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/photo-1019x1024.jpg 1019w, https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/photo-300x301.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/photo-600x603.jpg 600w, https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/photo-100x100.jpg 100w, https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/photo-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/photo-200x200.jpg 200w, https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/photo.jpg 1274w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 521px) 100vw, 521px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Listen to this post:<\/p>\n<p><audio class=\"wp-audio-shortcode\" id=\"audio-3322-1\" preload=\"none\" style=\"width: 100%;\" controls=\"controls\"><source type=\"audio\/mpeg\" src=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/2015-07-14-Post.m4a?_=1\" \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/2015-07-14-Post.m4a\">http:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/2015-07-14-Post.m4a<\/a><\/audio><br \/>\nMaking a commitment to write every week has taken a leap of faith. I so feared that I\u2019d peter out, leaving my abandoned online journal as evidence for all the world to see that I\u2019m not able to stick with things. And, I keep worrying I\u2019ll run out of things to write about. This week my faith is being tested \u2013 no clear ideas were coming to me. Yesterday morning in a conversation with my dear friend Vicki the word \u201csurrender\u201d came up and then it echoed in me throughout the day. But what to say about it eluded me. This morning I woke with a memory of being in an African American church in San Francisco a few years ago and experiencing surrender in a way that I\u2019d hadn\u2019t ever before. From there, thoughts threaded through about my spiritual evolution, including how I have come to see myself as thoroughly Christian. And then the thought: are you <em>really<\/em> going to <em>go there<\/em>?<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s so loaded, that word <em>Christian<\/em>. The word <em>Christianity<\/em> seems less so \u2013 within it is tradition and history and ideology &#8211; more heady words. But to call myself <em>Christian<\/em> has me need to explain to you what being Christian means to <em>me<\/em> \u2013 which is very particular &#8211; in case reading this has you make things up about me. Because <em>I<\/em> would have made all kinds of things up about someone calling themselves Christian in my earlier life!<\/p>\n<p>Our family is culturally Christian in the way that many Americans are, we celebrate Christmas and Easter \u2013 but we are not religious. We almost never went to church. I think once we went to an Easter sunrise service when I was a kid growing up. I remember having a sleep over with a new friend when I was junior high age and going to a Catholic church with her family and her. The holy water inside the door, the sign of the cross, the kneeling at the pew, I felt so far <em>outside<\/em> of belonging in this place, so uninitiated. It was foreign and scary. Except for travelling in Europe in my early 20\u2019s where I visited churches as historic tourist attractions, <em>this<\/em> was my experience of church.<\/p>\n<p>In the first months of our relationship, Joe got very sick from the chemotherapy and had to be hospitalized. Someone needed to handle the payroll for his employees, so I called his bookkeeper. At the end of the conversation she asked about me and I burst into tears. She suggested I call Sara Vurek, the pastor at the Fairfax Community Church. I moved aside the protesting thought \u2013 <em>call a minister<\/em>? &#8211; and I called Sara. Her voice was warm and real &#8211; she seemed so <em>normal<\/em> to me. She put Joe on the church\u2019s prayer chain and connected me with Unity to put him in their big prayer network. Though a spiritual life had awoken in me out of my divorce, it was more new-age. I really didn\u2019t really relate to what prayer would actually do, but it was comforting in some way that is hard to articulate.<\/p>\n<p>Not quite two years later we were planning our wedding and we needed someone to officiate. Sara came immediately to mind. Joe saw her Birkenstocks and discovered she\u2019s a fervent San Francisco Giants fan and he was sold. The ceremony Sara created with us was <em>just<\/em> right for us and through the experience I fell completely in love with her. At that same time I found myself hungering for a spiritual community, a spiritual home. Two Sundays after our wedding, I went with a friend to a service at the Fairfax church. I was unable to even say the word <em>church<\/em> out loud; I wanted to mumble it behind a brush of my hand across my mouth. It was all so foreign to me and I had all these ideas about brainwashed people who spoke straight out of the Bible &#8211; which made them completely un-relatable to me.<\/p>\n<p>This 1950\u2019s era church was in the middle of being remodeled, there was paper all over the wood floors &#8211; it was hardly an inspiring sight. That Sunday Sara was away. I don\u2019t remember who the woman was who presided. Besides offering us a blessing with water she\u2019d recently brought back from a trip to the Holy Land, I have no memory of what happened. But I knew I was coming back \u2013 something called to me. Through Sara\u2019s reflections (they were not called \u201csermons\u201d) I found a way in \u2013 a way to understand the teachings of Jesus and the traditions of Christianity that were actually applicable to my own life. In retrospect, I see the enormous impact that the decade I spent with this little church has had on my personal evolution &#8211; my leadership capacities were incubated in this sweet community. But what\u2019s <em>most<\/em> precious to me now is that, along the way, I discovered the part of me that is deeply devotional. There is a place in the center of my chest, in my heart that longs to long, to revere, to surrender, to worship even &#8211; something greater than me.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve done a couple of silent meditation retreats within the Buddhist world. Loving-kindness meditation is a beautiful and effective spiritual practice. But to me it doesn\u2019t feel devotional. I don\u2019t feel that place inside me of surrender, giving myself over to the presence of the source of infinite love. And then there\u2019s the iconography. Images of the Buddha and Quan Yin and other eastern spiritual figures are interesting to me, but they don\u2019t enter<em> in<\/em> like seeing St. Francis in my dad\u2019s garden, or Mary, the Blessed Mother, Guadalupe in Mexico. I surprise myself as I realize that there is even a way that the image of Jesus on the cross can enter the deepest part of me now. I used to be incredulous as to how a spiritual tradition would use execution \u2013 what looked like <em>torture<\/em> to me &#8211; as its primary symbol. Eckhart Tolle (the author of The Power of Now, A New Earth) helped me see how Jesus on the cross symbolizes the emotional pain that we <em>all<\/em> experience in living a human life. I\u2019ve come to understand that it is when this pain is most intense, it strips away our fallback coping mechanisms and has us open a space for another way to see. This allows our consciousness to expand to hold all that the present moment contains and it is how we are resurrected from our own crucifixion. Ok, now I can allow this symbol to mean something to me.<\/p>\n<p>For the first 30 or so years of my life I lived within a shell that had me believe I could use my agile brain as a way out of any struggle. The little crack in that shell that started with leaving my first husband has become so wide it\u2019s hard to see the edges of it in my spiritual peripheral vision. Through this bigger space I pour in the thinking and teaching of Richard Rohr and Cynthia Bourgeault, who seem to me to be the growing edge of Christian thought. I\u2019ve heard and read them say things that blow my mind in the very best way &#8211; things that have been almost entirely missed in the stories of Jesus and Mary Magdalene \u2013 at least in the mainstream understanding. The clearest truth for me is that Christianity is a <em>relational<\/em> faith \u2013 as much as the source of infinite love exists in each of us, <em>is<\/em> each one of us &#8211; it\u2019s most potent as the connection between two or more of us. I have a hard time putting words to my experience of it. It\u2019s a feeling in my body. I have the sense that the center of my chest is expanding. Love is being received as well as emanating out from me. It\u2019s heartwarming and heartbreaking all at the same time.<\/p>\n<p>I have more to say. Where I\u2019m called to go next is to share with you how I relate my faith, my spiritual evolution to my work \u2013 my painting and my teaching. But this is a whole post in itself. For that, stay tuned to next week.<\/p>\n<p>Love,<\/p>\n<p>Cara<\/p>\n ","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Listen to this post: Making a commitment to write every week has taken a leap of faith. I so feared that I\u2019d peter out, leaving my abandoned online journal as evidence for all the world to see that I\u2019m not able to stick with things. And, I keep worrying I\u2019ll run out of things to [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[29],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3322","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life-stories"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v24.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>July 14, 2015 - Starting with Surrender - Life in Full Color<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeinfullcolor.com\/dev\/life-stories\/july-14-2015-starting-with-surrender\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"July 14, 2015 - Starting with Surrender - Life in Full Color\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Listen to this post: Making a commitment to write every week has taken a leap of faith. 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