November 10, 2015 – Friendship

Brenda and me in the mid 90’s

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I spent several hours on Saturday with my dear friend Brenda. We started our time together over the phone squabbling. It struck me that this was the sign of a really deep, long-standing friendship. It was silly – and pointless – who said what about when and where we’d meet. But, when we got together, it was as if it hadn’t happened. We were just so glad to be together and share the new calendar (yes, they’re here!). Over lunch I found myself deeply appreciating this beautiful woman, who has been my close friend since the 1980’s.

We became good friends because of a phone number! She managed the branch of Personnel Pool – one of the temp agencies that my company used. I was in charge of requesting new temporary help for the warehouse where I worked. Because they had an easy-to-remember phone number, I called them most often. And because we gave them so much business, she took me to lunch in appreciation and a friendship formed. We always went to A Street Café in Hayward, a sweet little French place that had pink tablecloths – a lovely escape from the gritty environment I worked in, where I was surrounded by a bunch of guys who ate off a roach coach – long before food trucks were for foodies.

We had a lot of fun in the first years of our friendship. She and Jeff lived out near the Delta, and had a ski boat. My first husband and I spent many weekends at their place, on their boat. We waterskied and got too much sun on our skin. Even though sometimes there was too much drinking, we had a blast. Then, she watched as our marriage started to unravel.

She’s witnessed my evolution from the young woman who had just walked blindly into an alcoholic marriage, to who I am now. And she’s played a big part in my world opening up as it has. Sometime in the last months of my marriage, Brenda took me to see Diane Sullivan, an energy healer, who did some kind of magic on me, because when I went home, just being in the presence of my husband, made me feel like we were the opposing ends of a magnet. I could hardly bear to sit across the table from him at our favorite Chinese restaurant. It was at Brenda’s house I first read of the Enneagram, first heard the music of the Gipsy Kings, Mary Chapin Carpenter and Kater and Nakai. Brenda is also the “Godmother” of my art. It was she who pulled it out from under the bed, out of the plastic bags and insisted that it be framed and hung. She saw it before anyone else did.

In the twenty-eight or so years we’ve been in each other’s lives, we’ve supported each other through many trials – illnesses, deaths, loneliness, relationship struggles – there’s a fierceness in our love for each other that means we show up for each other, we hide no truths and we wrestle whatever is between us, until it’s strengthened our bond even more. And I’ve learned how to be a friend in the process.

My memories of female friendship until I was well into my 20’s, were often not happy ones – friendships that were mutually supportive and loving mostly eluded me. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have any sisters – and neither did my mom for me to witness female relationship – or that I was surrounded by boys a lot, but I recall a lot of heartbreak and feeling left out with my girl-friends. I found myself making friends with two other girls or young women who were closer friends with each other, than either was with me.

Since my late 20’s, through my travels in work and life, wonderful friendships have developed. Some of them started with more time spent together and now are very sporadic – life has taken us away from regular contact with each other. The way I see it, we have only so much bandwidth, like ports on our computers. For each of us, there’s only so much capacity to be connected – some of us have more than others – but for everyone it is limited. Dear friends come to mind every single day who I want to call or email – and I don’t get to it. I’m really glad that this way it is for all of us, so that when we do call it is ok – we are happy to be in touch and not hurt by the lack of connection.

This is now a requirement for me – there has to be room for each of us to be and say and do what we need to – or not. Recently Brenda and I were talking about a long-standing relationship with a friend of hers, that had become difficult. What came out of my mouth, is that our female friendships need to be the safest places in our lives. What I said, I realized, has guided me with my friendships. I’ve had at least two friendships in the past several years, that I’ve intentionally let go. As much as it goes against my natural tendencies, to want to always try to mend and heal, I’ve grown the ability to discern where my energies and time are best spent – and with whom.

This brings me to the women who are in my life now. Relationships with these women, form a web of love and support that undergird my life. My closest friends are not a group who all know each other. Though some of them have met, they each take a unique place in my heart, and make a unique contribution to me. As integral parts of my life, they appear in these posts and they form the web that holds me. Inside a feminine-oriented being’s head it can be noisy and bumpy. The doubts and judgments and fears that, at times, have me wonder where my place is, would be unbearable without them. We share encouragement, counsel, honest feedback, commiseration, humor, appreciation, companionship, and celebration. We love each other into loving ourselves.

“Jump and the net will appear.” I don’t know where I first read this – Julia Cameron’s The Artist Way, is coming to mind. It may be so over-said that it’s become a cliché, but it’s how I feel about the women in my life – you are the net that have appeared under me. In many ways, I hardly resemble the young woman, who was responsible for the temp labor at Businessland Hayward. It has required that I take risks, I’ve had to jump – in order to have grown so far beyond that version of me. I’m incredibly grateful for the soft places to land that you are. And I’m honored to do and be that for you. I want you to know that I’m planning on continuing to take these leaps. So, I’m counting on you to be there!

With my love to all of you who are there for me –

Cara