December 15, 2015 – What I want for you

The hydrangea leaf in the middle of this painting was hard for me – out of that came a wonderful day.

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We had the last of our “Special Saturdays” this past weekend. Ten artists joined my mom and me, to take a careful look at leaves – and how we might paint them. And we explored greens: green pigments and mixing greens with different combinations of blues, greens, yellows, golds, oranges… This past summer I found myself challenged, by representing the complexity of a hydrangea leaf in my painting “Douce,” which gave me the idea to offer this as one of our Saturday themes. When the regular Saturday painters asked for a December class – I thought everyone was too busy! – I had a theme ready to go.

It’s hard to put my finger on exactly why, but it was an especially “special” day. There was something about this group of ladies – though we missed you regulars who weren’t there. There seemed to be extra appreciation of the opportunity, to be together and explore and discover. I was left with the feeling that it was the perfect way to end our Saturday series for the year.

I’ve been grappling with how to describe, what happens in our painting groups. It is very clear to me it’s something beyond practicing the skills of painting watercolor, beyond what I offer about color and beyond the technology I make available. I hear often that coming to paint is better than therapy – which means something, but what exactly? This morning when I woke with this bouncing around in my head, it occurred to me that maybe this “something” might be related to my intentions. In four years of having watercolorists gather around me on a very regular basis, I realize, that there are things that I actively want for them – and want for you – whether you paint with me or not.

First, I want for you what you want for yourself. I thank Lynda Wise, a coach and one of my leadership tribe-mates for this. She signs her email newsletters this way, and I’ve always wanted to steal it! Even before this though, is that I want for you to want. Wanting is a muscle – “a wanter” – that we can exercise. This flies in the face of spiritual teachings like letting go and non-attachment. And some of us have not been granted permission, or have not granted ourselves the permission to want enough. It’s connected to our sense of entitlement – in the Elizabeth Gilbert sense – that we are entitled, not because we are special, but simply because we exist. It’s primal too – wanting keeps us alive.

I want for you to be known, for your voice to be heard. My mom went to an art critique session once, and was told that she didn’t have a distinct style. Really!? My mom goes out into her garden and zooms into one flower. She takes its photo and she paints it. She’s done this over and over, on dozens of paintings. It’s where she stands – zoomed in – taking in what’s before her, as if it is all the world. One look at her paintings, and she has such an obvious style. She was really crushed by what this person said. She wasn’t gotten, her voice wasn’t heard. Our art is an extension of us and is to be celebrated.

I want for you to not be stopped by your own resistance. A couple of years ago, there was a beautiful Anders Zorn exhibit at the Legion of Honor, in San Francisco. It was a rare treat to see such refined and masterful watercolors – I went to see it twice! Towards the end of the exhibit, there was a canvas of a nude, that he had slashed up. A friend had rescued it and put it back together. There it was with all its scars, evidence of its creator’s frustration. Resistance is real and it will not only destroy some of our work, it will keep us from even getting started. Its counter is desire – see why it’s good to work our “wanter” muscle? When you follow that desire and sign up to come paint and yes, even fork over money, (funny how that is) it gets you going. It’s a structure that overcomes the resistance, that prevents us from bringing forth our art.

I want for you to feel safe to risk, explore, expand, grow. Somewhere along the way, I was told or read or heard that in order to learn something new, we must open ourselves to let it in. And we can’t open ourselves if we don’t feel safe. If we fear that we’ll be criticized or judged or put down by trying something new, we will head the other way. We all have, factory installed, a well-functioning machine that provides plenty of all of that. There’s no need for voices outside us to chime in! There are only three rules in my groups. The most important one, is that no one is disparaging of anyone else’s work – hopefully even our own. In this environment you can paint a new subject, try to “loosen up”, or even just take the enormous step of putting color onto paper, for the first time.

I want for you to be curious, and to expand your capacity to see. Learning how to really see and honing what we pay attention to, is really what we are up to in our groups. In order to function though, we need to filter out the vast majority of the sensory input we’re bombarded with, in every second. I know of two children whose filters are deficient and life for them – and their families – is really, really hard. They are hyper-sensitive and have little capacity to cope. And, these same filters get in the way of how we see in order to create representational art. Cultivating curiosity, being really interested in our subject matter and slowing down, we can learn to really see. We practice seeing the shapes, the colors, the textures as they are – rather than what we think we see, based on past information.

I want for you to have a good time. Pleasure is powerful. When we experience pleasure, our bodies produce nitric oxide. When I first read this, it sounded toxic. It’s just the opposite – it is a helpful free-radical. Its effect is to relax our blood vessels, increasing blood flow to important places – like our hearts (it’s also a component of Viagra!). So a feel-good experience is not at all frivolous – it’s good for our health. Stretching ourselves to learn to paint – a never ending project – is hard work. I want for that hard work, to be done in the context of having a really good time. The caring, engaged attention of everyone in the group, brings pleasure. The connections we have with each other, bring pleasure. Looking at beautiful color, beautiful imagery and the beautiful artwork we make, brings pleasure. Witnessing the realness of people creating something tangible, from within them – that never before existed – brings me enormous pleasure.

In writing every week for over a year, I’ve discovered a process. I mostly don’t know what I’m going to write, I start with a germ of an idea, and then stuff comes through, that is either new to me or is clarified in a way I’d not seen before. Today I started with “what I want for you” and this is what came through. Though I’m not certain that it really is the “something” else that I’m grappling with – but – and – it’s really helpful to me to have articulated what my intentions and desires are. I also see that not only are they my intentions for you and your creating, but for me and mine – my paintings, my writing and my endeavors in the world. Physician, heal thyself.

With my love,

Cara